Julie & Julia-ing 2 Chainz: Teriyaki Salmon
One day, you wake up and you know you have to make a change.
You sit at the same desk. You do the same work. You eat the same sandwich from the same deli. It has all become rote. You’re going through the motions.
It’s important that you acknowledge how OK that is. Even the grandest of journeys have a few lulls. You have to drive through Barstow to get to Vegas. Luke needed to train with Yoda on Dagobah before he could pull off that really cool backflip over the sarlacc in Episode VI. You need these gaps to allow excitement to build, to train for your own super sweet backflip.
Around a month ago, Atlanta rapper 2 Chainz released a cookbook of 15 recipes that embody his culinary lifestyle. Salmon teriyaki, shrimp scampi, something called “Me Time Sauce”, it’s all in there.
This is my Dagobah. 2 Chainz is my guide. And together, we’re going to do the culinary equivalent of a backflip as we Julie & Julia the 2 Chainz Cookbook.
Teriyaki Salmon (click for recipe link)
The dish
Like many great men, 2 Chainz places great stock in the enjoyment of life’s simpler pleasures. Who needs a yacht when B.O.A.T.S will do? Why break your back over a souflee when salmon, julienned peppers and teriyaki sauce provides all the sustenance you need to wile out?
Rather than focus his attentions on dishes that require time and/or complicated ingredients, 2 Chainz believes[1] that if it can’t be cooked while travelling on a tour bus at 70 mph, it shouldn’t be cooked at all. To me, that implies 1) speedy prep times and 2) relatively few trips to the bodega (or Park Slope Union Market – that’s neither here nor there). 2 Chainz doesn’t have time to spend hours in the kitchen and neither do you.
I found all the above to be true with his salmon recipe. It was relatively easy to cook and tasted decent given my inexperience using a cooktop for anything other than tilapia or catfish. Unlike tilapia, salmon is hearty enough to withstand a grill and doesn’t dissolve to mush in a marinade. Also unlike tilapia, you don’t need to drench it in garlic butter and lemon to convince yourself that it tastes good.
2 Chainz knows this (of course he does). He also knows that you need to counter the salmon’s heft without overpowering it. A light assortment of julienned peppers sautéed in a dollop of butter does just the trick, and the satisfying crunch of the vegetable selection pairs nicely with the sweet teriyaki marinade.
All in all, a delightful dish for either a cold night in or a summer evening on a rooftop. This is starting to read like a GOOP testimonial so I’ll stop there.
The preparation
It immediately became apparent that I wouldn’t be able to follow some of 2 Chainz’ instructions. But that’s OK, you don’t reach a Zen-like state of unencumbered opulence without being able to roll with the punches. When you’re following in the footsteps of a man who chose the nom de plume “Tity Boi” for the first 14 years of his professional career, you have to accept that certain doors just won’t be open to you (yet!).
The first step of his recipe for Teriyaki Salmon calls on the inductee to don a Versace apron. Alas, the Park Slope Co-op was fresh out, and as such I was forced to adorn myself in an equivalent – a Hanes comfort soft t-shirt I purchased at the Walnut Creek Target in 2006.
Ball, like Mike.
Old, stained Hanes comfort soft tees give me the flexibility and comfort that I need — nay, demand — whenever I’m in the kitchen. That may seem irrelevant to the recipe. It’s not.
The most important thing to recognize when you’re following guideposts left by Chainz is that many of his most basic instructions leave room for improvisation. Like all culinary visionaries, he understands that the quality of the final dish is a product of both the recipe and the cook. It isn’t 2 Chainz’ Salmon Teriyaki, its Sam and 2 Chainz’ Salmon Teriyaki. He said Versace, I went Hanes. Freestyle, mother*cker.
That’s true of his non-sartorial instructions as well. He declines to specify how much salt, black pepper or olive oil to use, or what brand of teriyaki sauce is best suited for salmon and the loving of bad b*tches.
The key thing to remember here is to just keep doing you. You like salt? Load it up. Love the crackling freshness of ground black pepper? Rub it down liberally. Oil your thing? Don’t use more than a tablespoon to coat the salmon because then it’ll get pretty oily and that’s nasty. You’re already working with fish. It’s going in a marinade and you’re using a non-stick pan. Don’t be disgusting. This isn’t a Three 6 Mafia cookbook.
In regards to the marinade – Soy Vay’s Veri Veri Teriyaki seemed reasonably priced, and I felt that 2 Chainz would appreciate the use of a product with an unconventionally spelled brand name. The recipe calls for 1-1 ½ cups of marinade for every pound of salmon. If you cut the salmon into pieces and put it in a deep bowl, you should be able to make do with a cup. Marinades are a lot like Drake hooks; you generally need less than the prescribed amount.
ENTERTAINMENT BREAK/establishing ambiance
Once you’ve put the salmon in the refrigerator to soak up the teriyaki, you now have 30 minutes to julienne the peppers and onions. That should take you five minutes, tops. When done, set them aside for later.
With the remaining 20-25 minutes, Chainz recommends plopping down on the couch to watch the first few scenes of Hype Williams’ “Belly”. For those who haven’t seen it, don’t. If you want a taste, the first three minutes of the movie are available here (totally NSFW).
Nothing embodies the decadence and depravity of late 1990’s hip-hop better than this film’s opening sequence – bizarre lighting; excessively hot video vixens; slightly less hot strippers; a metric sh*t-ton of illegal firearms; shiny suits; it really has it all. It also has unprovoked violence, Nas looking moody and DMX committing what some may consider sexual assault. You take the good with the bad (it’s mostly bad).
The third least terrifying still from Act I, Scene 1 of “Belly”.
2 Chainz is a man of many gifts, chief among them is his ability to maintain character while giving directions for uncomplicated seafood dishes. That isn’t to say 2 Chainz is a “character”, but if Emeril Lagasse insisted that you use the 30 minute marinade to fall down a Hype Williams YouTube k-hole, you would probably consider it strange within the context of the recipe.
Unfortunately, in this instance, his decision to pair Salmon Teriyaki with a hyper-violent 1998 neo-noir defies even 2 Chainz’ logic. Had he chosen this movie for, say, his crab cakes with mango salsa, or even his shrimp scampi, I’d appreciate the matching of decadent food with an equally decadent (albeit, deeply disturbing) film.
After watching a few of the key scenes available on YouTube – you can’t stream it on Netflix – I switched my TV back to the Dodgers-Cardinals NLCS (The final straw was the basement robbery scene in which DMX points a gun and demands another man strip naked. That scene left me with more questions than answers, and I really didn’t feel like sticking around to find out what they were). Ultimately, I felt the julienned peppers went better with a Lance Lynn’s competence.
Finishing up
After you’ve gotten your 30 minute fill of seeing something you’ll never unsee, 2 Chainz’ recommends that you cook the prepared ingredients in two separate pans.
This was pretty self-explanatory. You want to grill the salmon over medium to high heat for 3-4 minutes on each side while you sautee the julienned vegetables in butter (stirring occasionally). 2 Chainz’ semi-delightful twist on this step is to use his song “Fork” as a timer for each side of the salmon.
Clocking in at around 3:45; “Fork” juxtaposes 2 Chainz’ adventures cooking crack in College Park, Georgia with sex acts that you can perform on planes. It’s as delightful as it sounds. Here’s the hook, courtesy of rapgenius.com:
I had a dream that rap wouldn’t work
Woke up on the block, had to hit it with the fork
Skrr, skrrr, skrrr, skrrr, skrrr: hit it with the fork
Skrr, skrrr, skrrr, skrrr, skrrr: hit it with the fork
Skrr, skrrr, skrrr, skrrr, skrrr: hit it with the fork
Rap don’t work, records ain’t bein’ sold,
So much money on me, it won’t even fold (x5)
I remember enjoying this song when I first heard it. It definitely loses something on the page.
The peppers and onions should be ready as soon as the salmon has finished cooking on both sides. Place a fillet on each plate and distribute the peppers accordingly. Practice safe sex on planes. Skrr.
Do not hit it with fork. Skrrrr.
Final grade
1.3 out of 2 Chainz
The salmon probably could have stood for a longer marinade. If that requires watching more clips from “Belly”, however, I’m out.
2 Chainz life lessons
Much like Amy Adams’ character in the terrible movie trailer on which this article is based, I learned a lot about myself in preparing Salmon Teriyaki a la 2 Chainz. The key lessons, bullet-pointed, are below:
- Always make sure the pan is properly heated before attempting to cook the salmon. It should sizzle.
- “Belly” is an atrocious piece of sh*t.
- Julienned peppers sautéed in butter do not require a lot of salt.
- Don’t be afraid to improvise in your white tee. Use bleach for pit stains.
- “Fork” is more about the delivery, less about the content.
Next week — What are the parallels between crab cakes and 2 Chainz’ early career as a member of Playaz Circle? Hint: seasoning!
[1] According to this glorious intro section.
The Wind Cries Popovich 
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